oh, my body!

From birth until the day we die, we all experience some type of changes with our body. Some we do on our own merit, some happen because life hits and it's supposed to happen; it's "normal". I weighed myself last week and saw a number I never imagined I'd ever reach. I cried shortly after. I've never had issues with my self-image. But just recently, I became upset with the way I look in the mirror and in pictures. I've gained SO much weight over the past few months and it bothers me. I have PCOS..some of you know, some don't. I wasn't symptomatic expect for the lack of cycles. But now, it's very evident. Weight gain, hormonal breakouts on my face, mood swings, and a great case of depression. I try not to talk about it often. I convince myself everyday that if I don't discuss it, it's not real. How childish, lol.

Now that I'm 22, I often get anxious over the current fact that I am unable to bear children Not that I'm in a place where I feel ready to do so..but just knowing that I can't because my body is failing me, upsets me. I'm in my prime. And majority of my peers are producing their offspring. I'm not jealous, I'm proud & I'm happy! I just don't know how it happened, or why it happened but my body is just ugh.

Some people ask if I'm pregnant + I laugh it off. I sure look it though. I'm super bloated, my voice has changed, I'm filling out more..my body is literally going through all the changes it would, if I were with child. If you know me, you know it is my greatest desire to be a mommy, no matter how that may come about. All of my babies are named, I've seen their faces in my dreams. So I know that they'll manifest soon.

I'm just at a place where I want to do all I can to prepare for my future and I feel like this is the one thing that I cannot control. In due time, I believe things will fall into place. I honestly believe harboring this pain is causing a lot of physical ailments to my body so here's the truth so I can be truly free. I am hurting but I am healing by sharing what wounded me. And the more I share, the more things will shape up for me.

Until the next post,

AjaYvonne

let's heal together.