mind games.

**I wrote this when I found out I had vertigo in 2017**

Saturday morning. Day 1. Perfectly normal routine. I get off work, arrive home, shower, get dressed for bed to rest + then BOOM. Sickness has overtaken me in a way I’ve never experienced before. Confined by walls of my bathroom, I lied there on the floor as my body weakened. Thinking it would pass, I pulled myself up and got in bed..thirty minutes later, I’m back in the same place as I was for the remainder of the day until sleep drifted me away around 3 am. 

Sunday morning. Day 2. Here we are, repeating the same cycle as the day before. My nerves are unsettled. My stomach is unsettled. My thoughts are unsettled. What is happening to me? 

Immediately, I call my parentals. “DADDY, I’m sick! Help me.” Go to the hospital he says. Fear strikes. I. DON'T. WANT. TO. 

My family has a book full of medical history/complications. I was already scared. Hospitals come close in comparison to the fear of God. My stomach was turning flips on top of what I was already feeling. Tears welled up in my eyes. I just couldn’t. 

Hours later, progressively feeling worse, I had to go. My (then) boyfriend arrives to my house to take me and the whole ride I’m just thinking, “Jesus, not now. Please.” I thought I was dying. Honestly.

Vitals and triage. Everything is going good so far. I’m in a room. The doctor arrives. I tell him what’s wrong. He looks concerned. Like super concerned. I’m concerned. My family is concerned. Everyone is concerned. 

Here comes the IV needle and then there’s blood work. Again, “Jesus, not now. Please.”

Thirty minutes pass. The medicine isn’t working. Here’s a repeat of Saturday. Again, the doctor is concerned. Everyone is concerned. He wants to order a CT scan And MRI. For WHAT?! My nerves are unsettled. My stomach is unsettled. My thoughts are unsettled. What is happening to me? 

I look over to my (then) boyfriend, he senses the fear in my eyes and he prays for me. All sorts of thoughts raced through my mind. Tumor? Some kind of rare disease? Heart problems again? What is happening to me? 

You see, the enemy is playing mind games with me. He loves to feed you ill Thoughts and torment with things that aren’t even close to true. The doctors sent me on my way without a diagnosis. I was just SICK

fast forward to 2018. When I finally got the nerve to see a primary care doctor. Which was a waste in my opinion because she was confused too. She checked everything. Flipped me around. Threw me on the table to trigger the vertigo. Nothing.

I couldn’t drive. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. couldnt function. This resulted in me withdrawing from school. I wasn’t myself anymore.

My primary doctor THOUGHT I had a tumor on my pituitary gland...which is what lead to the neurology referral. SIS THOUGHT I HAD CANCER!

My neurologist eventually diagnosed me with Migraine Associated Vertigo. Which means each time I have a vertigo spell, I’m having a migraine. And when I actually have a migraine, it’s 10x worse than a “normal” one. (As frequent as 4-5 times a week. Insane.)

My doctor prescribed medication + a follow up in 6 weeks. So I’m grateful to God that what could have been FAR worse..is something actually very little compared to the assumption. Whew. Miracles. Signs. And wonders.

#BigGod 💪🏾

I was scared out out of my mind because I’d never experienced anything like that before.

But im alive And even though these migraines HURT ME, I am healing.

Until the next post,

AjaYvonne