finding a way.

tonight's episode of grey's anatomy has done a number on me. Rape and sexual abuse are sore subjects for me. I don't talk about it. It makes me uncomfortable. I hear other people's story and I resonate with them...and then I crumble.

It takes something from you that seems irreplaceable. It leaves a glimmer of hope that someone will come back and apologize for what they've done to you. It makes you feel like the scum of the earth and somehow, you still believe that there has to be something more.

I remember the times he snuck into my room after midnight when everyone was asleep. Each night, taking away a piece of me I'd never grow to love or know. I remember being snatched under the stairwell, being held down with my mouth covered so no one could hear me scream. People saw the 13 year old me, and didn't rescue me. They didn't save me. I remember the fear I had that night I came home and saw the bruises around my neck and on my body. I remember.

I do the best I can, growing and learning to heal without acknowledging that I was broken before I'd ever gotten a chance to be made whole.

Seeing other people experience what sometimes seems like a dream, is a trigger for me. There are some days I'm on top of the world, and then there are some days where I can't breathe. I still have nightmares sometimes. And sometimes, I am angered.

I know that I am STRONG and nothing that happened to me was ever my fault. Someone taking advantage of you is never, ever your fault no matter how someone may try to spin it and make it seem like it was. You can tell your story, and there will always be someone to question the details of the events engraved in your mind.

The solidarity of women in this episode of Grey's Anatomy screams volumes + reaches a place in my heart that I wish I'd given myself a chance to embrace a long time ago. There's something about finding a way to make it through all while it seems impossible. Finding a way to cope, to breathe, to survive...to LIVE. Yes, it hurts but finding a way to take the next step is what heals you.

If you've experienced anything like this and need to speak to someone, this is the sexual assault hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE.

You are not alone.

xoxo,

AjaYvonne