failure: it's a dirty word.

So I start a lot of things that I never finish. In my heart, I want to commit to seeing a lot of things through but I just can't get it done. School is one of those things that have taken me through. Went I started college, I was determined to finish early like I did high school. I had a drive. I went to summer school 2 years in a row + then I transferred schools. After I got sick and had to withdraw from UNCC, I lost my passion. I WANT my degree because I have goals I'd like to accomplish but rejection hurts me. I tried getting back in to start back up but they hit me with a stern no. No is a word that creeps me out. I strive to never hear it because it opens up a door I don't want to walk through. Nothing happened in my past that made me afraid to simply TRY, it's just anxiety. I've always been a scholar and went after things that I wanted. I honestly don't know what happened. I was supposed to graduate last year. I was supposed to launch a lot of stuff last year that I didn't...I just didn't want to hear no or receive any rejection from things I've started. Ya know?

Most days I feel like I've failed because I haven't finished anything I've started. Another cycle that has to be broken. There was never a lot of pressure on me accomplish stuff so again, I think it's normal to not do stuff. But it's not. It's lazy + it's a spirit. Fear controls a lot of stuff I wish to do but don't so here's the first step of doing it scared...doing it. Last year, I was afraid I was going to die but here I am living + now that I'm taking control of my life, i'm stepping out. I'm launching business ideas. Reaching out to different schools. Starting over. Just stepping out, even if i'm scared..I'm alive. Failure..it's a dirty word but it's not a bad word. It's building character because I know what it feels like + I know that I don't desire to have that feeling again...like I can't breathe or feeling like i'm in a hole because I can't do something.

Again, the first step to recovery is admitting your problem. + I admit that I've been afraid to LIVE and be SUCCESSFUL. With much prayer and my circle covering me, I'll break this spirit and cycle so it never infiltrates into the lives of my future offspring. I honestly believe harboring this pain is causing a lot of physical ailments to my body so here's the truth so I can be truly free. I am hurting but I am healing by sharing what wounded me.

Until the next post,

AjaYvonne

let's heal together