dark places, high times.

Boy. I haven’t written a post in a GOODT minute. All due to struggling between sharing my sufferings publicly while not knowing how to deal with them privately.

It’s no secret that I've battled with depression and high functioning anxiety. Some days are better than others...my mental health is a total rollercoaster these days. I just credit that to my crazy lifetime movie worthy life.

While I’m in good mood and have had a fairly good day, I figured I’d just write what's on my heart. No journals. No social media. Straight from my heart, to God’s ear, to you.

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In February, I turned 23. It was a liberating time for me, as all birthdays are to me. But this one was different. I spoke over myself that I’d be brave — overtaken by courage, not afraid to dive into the ocean. I’d be creative — anything I put my hands on would be magical. I’d be joyful — overcome with happiness and peace. Love would become my personality — believing that the power of (me) and what my heart contains would be more than enough to change the world. I’d experience freedom — a chance to breathe ... inhaling all the things that make my heart sing , exhaling all the things that overshadow the beauty of my laughter.

But then, a month later, my soul was crushed. My spirit was grieved. It’s a hard thing to overcome being wildly hurt by people that you absolutely love. You know, there are some people that are a breath of fresh air for you and can do absolutely no wrong...until they do. And it’s unexpected. That kind of hurt is unexplainable. It was unexpected. It was just...pain. Every time I took a breath, pain. Each time I exhaled, pain. Literally the strength of God had to overtake me for me to be able to experience a high time in a dark place. One day, I’d let my tear stain my cheeks all throughout the day. The next day, I’d be up dancing like no one was watching. Rollercoaster.

During this time, I was very careful regarding the ways that I responded to that pain. I was deeply hurt but I knew that if I acted a way that did not reflect my personal values, that I’d be in trouble. You know what people say..”God don’t like ugly,” so, I responded in the most beautiful way, through worship.

I look back at that time now, grateful for the journey of that pain because it has increased my capacity of compassion and love. While my spirit was broken, it gave me a chance to be built back up with the love of God carrying me through. I wish I could articulate what those moments actually felt like...I could literally feel myself being lifted up. I didnt expect to be loved in those moments. I didnt know if I would be able to understand what that felt like. But in those moments of worship, it's almost as if the word was completely redefined for me.

I became brave enough to confront fear. The fear that I wouldnt recover. The fear of relapsing to a place that I know God delivered me from. Fear of simply being

I'm in a great place. I'm able to embrace the beauty of my laughter even in darkness. I allow myself to create freely, from a place of purity. During my personal time with God today, I told God that I've recently encountered bouts with fear. It's tried to hold me captive like I've been holding my breath waiting for the ball to drop somewhere. I can vividly see a space in my heart and mind where fear tries to become comfortable.